The Fighter Nickname Generator

There’s been too much seriousness around here. I declare a levity break.

An outfit called Bleedingmedia.com has a nickname generator for martial arts fighters. [HT Steve Hays of Triablogue.]  Fill in your name and they give you five suggested nomes de guerre. Be warned, though: They sometimes use profanity.

Here at the Orthosphere, we fight for Truth, Justice and the Traditionalist way. Let’s see what nicknames they suggest for our fight team:

For yours truly:

Alan ”Prime The Pump” Roebuck.

Alan ”The Jury” Roebuck.

Alan ”The Cruel One” Roebuck.

Alan ”The Mean Event” Roebuck.

Alan ”Flash Light” Roebuck

I’m not cruel; I just tell it like it is. So we’ll go with “Flash Light” Roebuck: Shining the light of truth on liberal foolishness.

How about Jim Kalb?

Jim ”Goldie Locks” Kalb.

Jim ”Anvil Sack” Kalb.

Jim ”The Rod” Kalb.

Jim ”Black Jack” Kalb.

Jim ”The Bandit” Kalb.

“Black Jack” Kalb. I like it.  Don’t get into an intellectual street fight with him, no sir!

What do they suggest for Professor Thomas Bertonneau?

Tom ”Can of Air” Bertonneau.

Low Blow Bertonneau.

Tom Carnage.

Tom ”Drudge” Bertonneau.

Tom ”Pluto” Bertonneau.

Professor Bertonneau would never stoop to a low blow. And cyberwise, the handle “Drudge” has been taken.  But change “Pluto” to “Plato” and we’ve got a winner.

One-named bloggers are a challenge. How about Bonald?  I entered the full name of his namesake, Louis Bonald:

Louis ”Tater Salad” Bonald.

Louis ”Lardo” Bonald.

Louis ”El Loco” Bonald.

Louis ”Gulf Coast” Bonald.

Louis ”Game Plan” Bonald.

That’s our Bonald: The liberals think he’s El Loco, but he’s crazy like a fox.

How about the founder of Orthoshpere.org, Svein Sellanraa:

Svein ”Iron Fist” Sellanraa.

Svein ”The Ministry of Defense” Sellanraa.

Svein ”Ink Spot” Sellanraa.

Svein ”Stomper” Sellanraa.

Svein Biscuit.   [Biscuit?]

That should be “Minister of Defense,” but otherwise right on. Svein Sellanraa, Defender of Western Civilization.

Let’s not forget Proph. Not knowing his real name (and I wouldn’t reveal it if I did), I just entered “Proph Proph:”

”Semper Fi” Proph.

Face Proph.

Proph ”The Puppet Master”.

”Argyle Socks” Proph.

”Warts” Proph.

We all have our warts, but I like “Semper Fi” Proph: the faithful warrior.

We have cordial relations with Lawrence Auster, so I thought I’d subject him to the same ribbing:

Larry ”The Talk Show Host” Auster.

Larry ”Final Warning” Auster.

Larry The Crippler.

Larry ”Detour” Auster.

Larry ”Zeus” Auster.

VFR is a talk show of sorts (the best sort), but I’d go with “Zeus” Auster, king of the traditionalist bloggers.

 

Update  I forgot Kristor. Here goes:

Kristor ”None Of Your Business” Lawson
Kristor ”Original Sin” Lawson
Top Hat Kristor
Kristor ”The Beak” Lawson
Kristor ”The Gagger” Lawson

“Original Sin” wouldn’t be something to brag about. But the “Top Hat” definitely fits. Our Kristor is a classy guy.

 

So that’s our traditionalist fight team (at least those I’ve decided to honor.) Have at it yourselves, and report any good results. But no vulgarity, please.  We’re a respectable outfit.

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15 thoughts on “The Fighter Nickname Generator

  1. Sounds like professional wrestlers more than martial arts fighters. Can I be the guy that does a “run-in” on someone else’s match and hits him with a steel chair?

    • You can get some better ones. Keep hitting “Generate!” until you find a good quintet.

      At least “Semper Fi!” hits a home run.

    • I’m slightly impressed it came up with a decent pun like “Face Proph.” I rather like that one, in fact. Between that and “Low Blow Bertonneau,” it looks like it tries to rhyme whenever possible, which is a nice touch (or maybe it’s a coincidence and I’m being too generous).

      After trying it out myself, “Richard ‘Several Chins’ Carroll” made me laugh, but fortunately that’s inaccurate, so I’d probably go with “Richard ‘Roots’ Carroll.”

  2. I protest. Is not naming *by a computer* the apotheosis of the anti-traditionalist nisus? How post-modern can you get? Compared to that procedure, Dr. Charlton’s bureaucratic, committee-ridden pc nemeses look humane and well ordered to the Good. It takes the human beings out of the process altogether, leaving *nothing but rules* to do Adam’s primordial, characteristic, essential job. How gnostic!

    Mind you, I would not perhaps be protesting so earnestly if I had been given a wicked cool moniker like “El Loco” Bonald, or the awesome “Low Blow Bertonneau.” That seriously rocks. The computer was right on with that one, in rather the same way that a broken clock “tells” the right time twice a day. But “Top Hat”? How Jay Gatsby! “Argyle Socks”? Bertie Wooster is the first association with that one. Proph, your outrage is justified.

    No. No way. I’ll use the handle I’ve been wanting to use for years: you can all call me Kristor “Sockdolager” Lawson. It’s the name of a nasty, tricky rapid in the Grand Canyon, that always hit me – and every other boatman I ever knew – in such a way as absolutely to prevent a sweet run. Every traversal of Sockdolager was messy, irritating and worrisome. Sockdolager Rapid got its name from a bit of 19th Century American slang meaning, “knockout punch.”

    Sockdolager. It’s precisely apposite to a fighter, wonderfully onomatopoietic, rhymes with my first name, and great fun to pronounce (“sock-dól-a-jer”). No algorithm could have come up with that. To get a word like that, you need to mix men with beer.

    Yessir, son, back in the early days of whitewater in the Canyon, when men were men, that’s what the ladies used to call me: Sockdolager Lawson.

    • “Sockdolager.” I’ve heard that word before. It’s in the play “Our American Cousin” which was on the playbill at Ford’s Theater the night Lincoln was assassinated. The line is “You sockdolagizing old mantrap!”

      According to La Wick (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_American_Cousin), Booth struck during the laughter following this line, which is why I recall it from a documentary (probably Burns’ Civil War.)

  3. If “Face Proph” and “Low Blow Bertonneau” aren’t just happy coincidences, I’m impressed (and a little weirded out) that whoever made this thing took the time and effort to program punning into it. (Speaking of which, “Svein Biscuit”?!)

  4. “Tom ‘The Bomb’ Bertonneau” rhymes better than any of the above – and people remember rhyming names. (It also employs assonance.) “The Bomb” sounds a good deal more dangerous than (say) “Can of Air.” Regrettably, the name Bertonneau has absolutely no resonance in an American context because, while it’s French, it’s not Cajun, which Americans do vaguely understand. And it’s not Canuck, either. In the paternal line, I’m a son of Les gens de couleur libres, who are sometimes referred to as Créoles. Making all of this worse, my middle name is Félix! (That’s a name with no coercive qualities whatever.) On the maternal side, I’m of Swedish extraction. Swedishness has no cachet just now among traditionalists, but I might nominate myself as “The Varangian,” which suggests something along the lines of Conan the Barbarian. Ah well, even an egghead professor has his fantasies…

  5. The obvious martial arts nickname for “Professor Thomas Bertonneau” would have been Tom Violence, if you guys were any sort of hipsters. ;)

    • Evidently “Tom Violence” is a song by an outfit called “Sonic Youth.” I leave it to others to comment on its qualities.

  6. I’m fairly sure that, sotto voce, any number of students have referred to me over the years as, “that can of air, Bertonneau.”

  7. For anybody who’s mildly curious, (not that it really matters though), here’s the original recording of “Tom Violence”… pretty intense for its time. Always good to learn something new that’s old.

    It was done in I believe 1986 or thereabouts. 1986! Another universe entirely! Think of how much water has gone under how many bridges! Think of what’s been lost since then!

    What peaches and what penumbras! Whole families shopping at night!

    “There’s a thing in my memory
    Holding on for dear life,
    With a feeling of secrets
    Beating up under my flesh.
    My tongue is tied…”

    Anyway, I still think it would make a fun wrestler name. Though I guess nothing can really top Gorgeous George. Talk about temps perdu!

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